i spend my night at juu's after her birthday celebration. (in case you are wondering, no, it's not that i'm avoiding kjbivj*. but yes, i i dunno how to face her. one may argue that IS avoiding, well, i think i just need to find some courage to face all this). we talked about various friendship/ relationship issues that we faced in our life before during meal. somehow i wish i am at least half garang as ivanny, since it is almost impossible for me to master the 'good tactic' thingy, even though with that it is portraited as tough/ not feminine (and with high possibility of being place at the losing end). oh well, i guess that's human nature for protect/ shield the look-like- weaker side.

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ivanny said he chooses his friends.
did i carefully choose? i mean, if i categorized you as friend (BFF or close friend or good friend or just friend), that means i trust you.
in cases like that, can i say i just had my trust and believe misplaced? will that make me feel better?

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i slept at 4+am last night.
i thought that i was so tired i can really sleep on and forget about all those hurting stuff (period).
alas, i woke up at 9plus. (-_-"" its kindda dumb to feel sad and unable to sleep, can someone tell my body/ mind that?)
i turned around and grab my phone and read this msg from iris on 19th oct:

十句值得深思的话：
1。 没有一百分的另一半， 只有五十分的两个人。

2。 付出真心才会得到真心， 却也可能伤得彻底，保持距离就能保护自己， 却也注定永远寂寞。
-- that's why there is this saying, distance is beautiful.

3。 通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人，才是真正爱你的人。
-- that's why we seems to be friend (probably not to the extent to BFF, but at least it's friend), turn out it's onewide wishful thinking of mine.
-- still wana talk about true friend? go away, it's too much fake and i dunno who to believe.

4。 有时候不是对方不在乎你，而是你把对方看得太重。
-- yea, and that is dumb.

5。 冷漠，有时候并不是无情，只是一种避免被伤害的工具。
-- this is what i think would be useful to master and will try to master. since the 'good tactic' is so out of my reach.

6。 如果我们之间有1000步的距离，你只要跨出第一步，我就会你的方向走其余的999 步。
-- it feels more sad coz instead of walking towards, u walk backwards. so now there is.. 2million steps?

7。 为你难过而快乐的人是敌人， 为你快乐而快乐的人是朋友，为你难过而难过的就是那些该被放进心里的人。
-- i dont know which to categorized u.

8。 就算是believe, 中间也藏了一个lie。
-- how true. it's stupid to trust and believe. relate to No3 point #2.

9。 真正的朋友，并不是在一起就有聊不完的话题，而是在一起就算不说话也不会感到尴尬。
-- she doesnt understand this. and she will never do. she think that this happened too often and that i am still thinking about what happened last time and bear grudge against her. i thought my paranoia is kindda serious. well, hers is kind of acute as well.
-- i cry, i miss iris and ms za bo.

10。 情人就是被你看透了还能喜欢你的人。


i dozed off again after reading the msg.

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woke up at 10:19am
half of my mind is telling me this is nothing. i just need to learn to open my eyes wide wide (when it comes to choosing friend) and close my ear tight tight for the unnecessarily gossip/ words/ accuse etc.
another half tell me it's so hard to conquer all this.
it's not fair to tell all to juu or ivanny about them coz they know the leads in these stories and will lead to biasness.
then again i dowan to be laughed at by far-away friend like tesheng =( i can forsee he will scold me stupid, tell me to get over it, and just stay away from them.

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on the way home from juu's i past by summerfield.
how ironic. i guess i wasnt careful enough and really think it over who is really 'at fault' for conflict and dispute that happened last semester. who was the root of all these dispute? although i dont agree with how tbcsjob* spreading words and gossip like wild fire (which i was truly very angry at that time), now i think back, she was wrong in that sense, but then again.. she is not the root.. confused? i dunno what am i talking either. skip this paragraph please.

+++

i walked pass the UQ logo thingy at the roundabout near my home.
how ironic. i wonder how would it be during graduation. will i be wearing the fake smile? take photo for the sake of take photo, smile for the sake of smile?
i wana puke.

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those who declare they are not taking side, can i ask, do you really feel so?
u think u nv take side.. but did u, unintentionally do so?
i mean, not to take side is so hard. especially when u're in it, u wont even aware.

+++

did i mention i feel hungry yesternight while playing bluff? that was abt 3plus?
i should have just eat something damn.
now i dun feel like eating even if it's 1pm.
ha, dont have to go for intensive jogging session to lose weight already.

+++

she knows that i care about all this relationship/ friendship stuff to the max.
and if they are wrecked, basically my life sort of go hay wire (can i blame my lousy grade in pharmacology to the semester 1 incident with her and tbcsjob*?)
and in sem 2 i used to think all are okie thus the far better result.
i reckon that is their kind gesture to only open up what has been bottled up now after exam? else dunno how many 4 i will get again?
although it's dumb that i never learn from the one bitten twice shy saying, (in same one year by this same person-- oh, different group of people), i grow up from that.
so this is what people call life. all i can say is that it's because all the friends that i met in my primary/ secondary or even poly, all are very nice. i used to thought it is a blessing, then again, it leads me totally inexperienced in these kind of issues.
it's a blessing to have them all still.
but it is not a bless coz u landed up as a big dumb.

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when i choose not to talk about it to common friends, it's because i think it's not fair to the subject(s). and to talk behind him/ her without him/ her being there, people can only hear one-sided story and lead to biasness. not very fair eh? (except if u tell people that they confirm chop wont know the person(s) you are talking about and is rationale enough).
that to me, is backstabbing already. luckily the wound is not able to be seen. i dowan unsightly back =S

+++

i am emotionally weak.
i admit.
i dare to admit.
but this will be the last entry about this incident. friend or not, it doesnt matter. to quote her, it's irreversible. it's just that it's again very dumb for me to know this so late.. it's like u are doing some sort of experiment in the lab and only towards the very end then u are told that the reaction is irreversible and it wont work.

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i promise.
i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine.
i will just need to be back to my shell.
will be fine.

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